The Penn State Sexual Abuse Scandal and Why “Moral” People Suffer from Communication Paralysis

Like much of the country, I’ve been equally riveted and devastated by coverage of the alleged sexual violence that transpired at Penn State. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, the story brings up a range of complicated memories, feelings, beliefs and questions – and perhaps above all else – a frustrating realization that people who we consider “good” people, moral people, in some cases paragons of virtue, can be the very people who make the poorest decisions when faced with the opportunity to speak up and out against an injustice.

While I am be no means condoning the choices a cadre of Penn State leaders and staff made about the sexual violence they allege was transpiring on their campus, I think I do understand it. It’s easy for any of us removed from the situation to stand back and say that Mike McQueary, Coach Paterno and President Graham Spanier made horrible choices. But we’re not experiencing the dilemma ourselves.  So we’re viewing the choice with full access to our rational and ethical mind. And I can assure you that the closer you are to unspeakable acts – which I hope you never are – the more your rationality and ethics get buried underneath the war of thoughts, fears, emotions and physiological responses consuming your body.

As someone who has not only lived through the pain of some of my loved ones similarly turning a blind eye when as a child I announced that I was being molested – but having also seen over the years countless students, clients and audience members report near-identical experiences in their own families, workplaces and communities – I find myself marginally interested in judging the behaviors of people who do not report abuse. We can condemn these folks for the choices they make. But knowing the problem is far bigger than Penn State, I want to understand this disturbing trend. I want to investigate how we as a culture can create a pathway out of the self-inflicted paralysis that I believe is disconnecting moral people from their morality. And from taking appropriate action in moments when they are called to.

When people find themselves in what the authors of Crucial Conversations call high-stakes, high-emotion and potentially confrontational situations, the choice to speak up and out is rarely just about right and wrong. If it were, people who live with integrity in most facets of their life would not consistently allow corporate greed, genocide, sexual abuse or one of our many other social ills to persist. One of the key reasons for our collective communication paralysis is the storytelling we do in these challenging moments. As I share in my talks and workshops on the subject of sexual abuse, I’ve identified that there are a handful of storytelling errors we make in these critical moments that lead us to recognize wrongdoing and yet wrongfully say nothing about it. Here are four of them.

The first error is assuming that there’s a “best” choice in a bad situation. Sure, when abuse and/or corruption are involved, the “right” choice is to report it. But “best” connotes we’re going to like that choice or that it’s going to fully serve us. In high-stakes, high-emotion, confrontational situations – the story we usually need to be telling to catalyze action is instead around “the least bad choice.” This is particularly important when we love and respect the person or people we are speaking out about. Yes, their lives will be forever impacted by how we take action. Yes, we will likely sever our relationship with them. Yes, we may make ourselves unpopular. Even subject ourselves to isolation and stigma. Yet if we can acknowledge that these potential outcomes are less bad than allowing other people to be victimized – that our own discomfort is less bad than the shame of knowing we have contributed to other people’s ongoing suffering – we’re much more likely to overcome potential communication paralysis.

The second error, a caveat to the first, is assuming that all potential outcomes will happen.  According to Dr. Susan Jeffers, the author of Feel the Fear… and Do It Anyway, “90% of what we worry about never happens. That means that our negative worries have less than a 10% chance of being correct.” There is no faster pathway to communication paralysis than playing the “What If?” game with our storytelling. What if that person gets fired? What if that person goes to jail? What if that person retaliates against me? While it’s useful to identify potential outcomes to be aware of them and to give voice to the fear so that it doesn’t become all consuming, we can best step into our power as storytellers when we counter “What ifs?” with “What if I don’ts?” This redirects our awareness back to the problem at hand and connects us to the suffering we play a role in if we are inactive. Also, we can remind ourselves that fear in high-stakes, high-emotion, confrontational situations is normal. We need to learn to be with it rather than foolishly try to cover it up or push it away.

The third error is making ourselves supporting characters rather than protagonists in our stories. Now, I’m not suggesting that “it’s all about you.” However, I do want to shine a light on the importance of creating a story where you give yourself a balance of power and accountability. Rather than reducing a dilemma to a false choice – do something or do not do something – narrate your choice(s) from the assumption that everything you do is an act. This makes non-action a choice. And it moves us from “Do I?” to “How do I?” And when people find allies to support them in complicated situations, rehearse out loud what they are going to say and use heart-centered, high-impact communication to bring people together and make where they’re coming from right (even when their actions are dead-wrong), they are much more likely to move a rotten situation to a desirable outcome.

The fourth error is overestimating the duration and intensity of our discomfort. We humans are pretty resilient creatures. Whether it’s after the death of a loved one or the inheritance of great fortune, positive psychologists have concluded that within a few months we return to our previous state of happiness – whether it’s high, low or more likely somewhere in between. When we can simply be with our experience of discomfort without creating a narrative that makes it long-lasting, we set ourselves up to minimize its impact on us and to get through it more quickly.

While I’ve strived in each error to show you the possibility within the problem, I want to leave you with a question that for me always catalyzes action-oriented storytelling. How might my actions start a chain-reaction of results? If I see myself slipping into the fallacy, “Someone else will do something,” nothing shakes me back into figuring out next steps faster than realizing my inactivity plays a role in collective inactivity. And of course on the flipside, that living in my integrity by saying something when I see something gives other people the inspiration and permission to do the same.

Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke many stirring words to call people to action during the civil rights movement. But for me, when I most need a reminder to rise above any mounting communication paralysis, I find particular strength in this quote.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

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Now, on the subject of storytelling and communication, I want to thank everyone who has entered the Step Into Your Moxie Solo Speaking Bootcamp Contest.

I’ve been delighted by the responses. One of my favorites has been from repeat applicant, Emelie Rota. “I’m entering your rocking contest because 2-hours with you sounds amazeballs.”

If you missed the details of the multiple ways you can enter through November 23rd to receive a FREE, 2-hour session with me to dive deep into developing any facet of your communication – including a customized presentation or workshop that lets you share your value with a larger audience – CLICK HERE for full details.

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